Friday, September 30, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
And the Dr asks
Any other ailments
"I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes."
"Have you seen a doctor?"
"No, just spots."
Does this sound familliar
I would not want you to have to concentrate on one ailment only!!
"I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes."
"Have you seen a doctor?"
"No, just spots."
Does this sound familliar
I would not want you to have to concentrate on one ailment only!!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Try this!
Knee surgery for you to perform
Play with this puzzle!
Click on the post title and it will lead you to the game
So did your surgery go according to plan?
Saturday, September 3, 2011
My Dear Mother-in-Law had the unfortunate luck of undergoing knee replacement surgery this past week. She is now back home recuperating and like all other people who have had that kind of surgery, she is wishing she had just taken a rusty saw and cut the kneecap off herself, without any anesthesia, in that she is sure the post-surgery pain and misery could not have been any worse than what she is currently experiencing.
I called to check on her and was told that she was resting comfortably in her favorite chair and in an effort to minimize her pain, she “pees” on her knee.
OK…..that is a new one. How “peeing” on your knee would alleviate the post-surgical pain associated with having bone and tissue carved from your body….is beyond my idiot level of comprehension.
I tried to visualize the poor lady trying to recline in a chair and going through the process of actually “peeing” on her wounded knee. This is not a memory or vision you want to have of any close relative…..
Maybe modern science had evolved to weird levels that I do not fully comprehend.
I banged my own elbow on a doorway yesterday and it has been causing me great pain and discomfort….so maybe I should “pee” on my elbow.
My mind started to race trying to figure out the painful and awkward positions I would have to contort my body into in order to successfully “pee” on my elbow….without “peeing” all over everything else within a 10 foot radius…..
I thought….”What the Heck….Give it a shot…”
I was just beginning to contort my crippled body into a pretzel-like position to commence the “peeing” therapy when the phone rang.
It was my wife, who is up taking care of her ailing, pee-soaked Mother.
I told my wife what I was about to undertake in order to “relieve myself” of my own elbow pain.
I cannot repeat the vulgar and filthy words that she screamed at me but most of them involved my apparent like of any semblance of common sense and my complete and utter inability to use my God-given brain.
Apparently, to alleviate her knee pain, my dear Mother-in-Law puts a bag of frozen peas on her knee. Peas.
Oops.
As Emily Litella would say…
NEVER MIND!!
From :http://redriverpak.wordpress.com/2009/11/08/a-post-knee-surgery-miracle/
I should hope not!!!
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
Are you better yet? These corny jokes are going to keep coming till you are up and running
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
Are you better yet? These corny jokes are going to keep coming till you are up and running
Not everyone is flexible ... Well except Barbie!
Dear Santa:
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has everything.
I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered “Decorator Ken,” “Beauty Salon Ken,” or “Out Of Work Actor Ken”? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: “S&M Ken”, “Green Lantern Ken”, “Circuit Ken,”"Bear Ken,” “Master Ken.” These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.
As for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can “push me away,” I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we’ve talked about this issue before.
Sincerely,
Ken
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has everything.
I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered “Decorator Ken,” “Beauty Salon Ken,” or “Out Of Work Actor Ken”? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: “S&M Ken”, “Green Lantern Ken”, “Circuit Ken,”"Bear Ken,” “Master Ken.” These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.
As for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can “push me away,” I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we’ve talked about this issue before.
Sincerely,
Ken
Are you sure you want to go for a scenic tour?
Canadian driving!
How to identify a Canadian driver:1. - One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL2. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO3. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA4. - Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO5. - Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY6. - One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER7. - One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER8. - Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE9. - Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA10. - One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scrapper in hand out front window scrapping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG
Now which of these Canadians do you want to have swing by and pick u up??
How to identify a Canadian driver:1. - One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL2. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO3. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA4. - Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO5. - Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY6. - One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER7. - One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER8. - Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE9. - Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA10. - One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scrapper in hand out front window scrapping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG
Now which of these Canadians do you want to have swing by and pick u up??
name withheld---- Janesville , WI
Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016
Dear Sir:This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put "Stupidity". I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid back to its normal position.Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that, when one's privates are firmly attached to an immovable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction.Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extracting myself.Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock. Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could. An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager.Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 ''On-the-Spot'' news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation. The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductible) I did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device as the torch cut through.The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting ambulance as stated on your form.Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.Sincerely, N.S
Sound familiar!
Dear Sir:This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put "Stupidity". I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid back to its normal position.Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that, when one's privates are firmly attached to an immovable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction.Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extracting myself.Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock. Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could. An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager.Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 ''On-the-Spot'' news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation. The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductible) I did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device as the torch cut through.The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting ambulance as stated on your form.Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.Sincerely, N.S
Sound familiar!
A young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I hurt all over!''What do you mean?' said the doctor.The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,'Ow, that hurts.'Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.'Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts!'The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?''Why yes,' she said.'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger.'
Are you sure you asked the right Questions?>
There was a woman who once had a knee operation and they put her in this contraption that keeps the knee moving for the entire night. It's really painful. So the doctor walks in to the room to check on her and she asks the doctor "will this make my knee good as new?" and the doctor says "your knee? I thought we were preparing you for labor!"
Day ONE>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I know that in your position it is not easy to be the real you .
So just to let or warn, the nursing staff about the real you I have created this button
May you print it up and cut it out and pin it on your gown!
I have been studying genealogy and found this license plate. I know it is you and your brood as you are always refering to the “ dumb ass . It has only been with the research that I have come across the Ass family and now thoroughly understand to which you refer.
I wanted to send you a sympathy card.but the sympathetic friend left the building and you are stuck with the cheap friend with the funny accent.
Get your walking in gear we have a lot of lost time to make up for in Florida this winter…
Jane
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